Reflection. Explanation. Ode.

It's funny (in a not really that funny kind of way), since I was about six I kept a journal. For a long time my diary was affectionately called "D" and every entry was lovingly started with 'Dear D' as if "she" was a pen pal I was devoted to. She wanted to know what was going on with me, and she offered nothing but unconditional support and great advice on boys, my mother, depression, school, and anything else I wrote about. I had a Livejournal that I updated on occasion with thoughts, online quizzes and surveys, and other random happenings. I had a Diaryland that I updated obsessively, everyday with the most intimate details of my life. I had a Xanga that I reserved exclusively for song and movie quotes that described how I felt or what I believed at any given moment. Throughout all of this I continued to keep my hand written diary that at times reflected what was in my online journals and other times went into much further depth. All of these journals were a lifeline for me. With everything that goes on during adolescence into early adulthood, writing allowed me to reflect, philosophize, vent, and whatever else I needed to cope and learn from each of my daily experiences.

Then there was a time when there was nothing. Nothing online. Nothing hand written. The sporadic entries I made (one or two a year, if even) in by bedside journal claimed I was too busy or too happy and didn't need to write to examine my life anymore. I would write to catch up my diary, as if it were a long lost friend, on the last several months of my life. January I did this, February this happen, and so on. These entries were either glowing, making sure to mention every fabulous detail of my life, or were list-like to explain things as quickly as possible so that the pages weren't bored by the less than juicy tidbits I was feeding it. "D" no longer existed. She had long gotten sick of the drama of my teenage years and in her place had been taken over by temporary name-less friends who either didn't care or I used to reflect how wonderful and perfect everything was.

But the truth was that I needed "D." My mid-20s were filled with denial disguised as bliss. My friends all saw it, but didn't say anything until much later. Without a journal to force me to be honest to myself, I stopped being honest with these real people in my life who I should have trusted...which is extremely ironic. And maybe that's why I started this blog; because I sensed something was missing and I was trying to figure out what it was. I just didn't know it at the time. And maybe that's why the focus has always been all over the place as well. On some level I longed to get back to personal writing, but had reached a level of maturity that knew I could not be as transparent anymore for personal and professional reasons. At this point in my life I recognized that friends, family, and future employers all had access to something I once considered to be totally private (as long as I never sent my totally public link to my mother, grandmother, etc.). And so recipes, reviews, and outfit posts dotted the page. My superficial way of writing without getting to what I really needed to.

When I started my second round of graduate school this blog fell by the way side, although the occasional entries into my handwritten journal increased. I spent so much time reading and writing academic prose and living a life that was completely under the microscope that personal private writing became very important to me. It gave me the space and rare moments of free time to think about my day, my life, and what direction it was heading in. Without that prompt to sit down and write I would still be focused on questions like "what homework is due tomorrow, what should I wear to work, what am I going to do about this client" instead of "what am I doing with my life, why I am I friends with this person, what is important to me."

I've spent the last week doing some serious reading and organizing hundreds of academic articles as I get into the next stage of my dissertation process. I've decided to examine video narratives and personality characteristics of adolescents who have/have had cancer. As part of this, because there is not much research on videos, I've been reading a lot about illness blogs. Overwhelmingly, and not surprisingly, research points to blogs as a great source of emotional expression, support, and growth for those suffering from physical illness, mental illness, and overall life stress. I could quote these articles up and down about why this is the case but I guess what I'm trying to say, in a not so subtle way, is that I agree. From personal experience, my mind is much fuller when I'm able to express myself, explore myself, and not worry about being judged. I know what I'm trying to say and the abyss that is "D" or the internet or anyone in between gets that and silently waits for me to figure things out and move on my way. In turn, my life becomes fuller as I am able to take stock of what's important and discard what's not.

One of these days I'll get back to writing again; maybe even one day soon. But for right now I've got a 100+ page book to write that's a hidden manifesto to a medium that's meant the world to me.

Summertime makes livin a little bit easier.

Wow it has been a really long time since I've written a decent entry. I think it's because I've been so busy doing things like this:


      Seriously, who can get homework done with this ^^ going on. 
And most importantly this:



Needless to say, with school, soccer, visiting (and having tons of visitors), and a new love, things have been more than a little hectic on this end. School is over for the summer (just about, just one comprehensive exam to take) and I'm down to only one soccer league. This summer will be spent working at my new job, TAing, and generally trying to have fun after an insane 3 months. Let the good times begin!

Absentee Note

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Things have been very hectic with school. I essentially went from doing absolutely nothing ever (and having plenty of time to do things like watch movies and every Doctor Who episode ever) to getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night on average (this is down from about 11 hours) and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Classes, research, new job, practicum applications, soccer, visitors from home, visiting home, and new people to hang out with means I have no free time. There are moments of feeling overwhelmed, but as a whole I am insanely happy. And it's Spring. Really, what's there to not be jazzed about? I've recently been re-emersing myself in music. Not that music has ever stopped being a part of my life, but it's taken a backseat every once in awhile. I've been making a lot of mixes and sitting in front of my stereo system just listening lately. Definitely one of the best things ever. If I didn't go in to psychology, I think I would have figured out how to make a profession out of that.

Post-Birthday Recovering

Saturday was my favorite day of the year, even before Christmas, my birthday! Anyone who knows me knows that birthdays are a really big deal for me. Not only do I go all out in celebration of mine, but I go all out in celebration of others as well. People get gifts, sappy cards, lots of hugs, baked goods, and anything else I can to make them feel special. For my brother's 21st birthday he was here in Cali rather than home with his friends getting wasted, so after a huge meal I made him go out with me and my friends. He didn't drink until he cried, but at least he got to go out and drink with people who weren't his parents. When my roommate's birthday came around I had only lived with her for a couple of weeks, but that didn't stop me from buying her a box of Sprinkles cupcakes in addition to her gifts. I don't think she was expecting it, but I know it made her smile. And when my friend Mike's birthday came, he DIDN'T want to celebrate (keep in mind his birthday is 2/29, why would you not want to celebrate on your ACTUAL birthday?!). To which I said, that's not acceptable, and I made him go out to dinner where he got a free dessert and a "happy birthday" from the sweet little old lady waitress. So yes, birthdays are a big deal for me.

Last year I had three celebrations for myself. One the weekend before (a tea party), one the day of (just dinner out), and one the weekend after (an 80s themed dress up party). Basically, I couldn't make up my mind. This year things are too hectic for all of that celebrating, and with my birthday on a Saturday I essentially had the day off to do whatever I wanted. I played soccer and went out to eat/drink with friends, got tons of birthday wishes in all modes of communication, and received numerous gifts.





Maybe it's because I always had great birthdays growing up, but I always feel like birthdays should be really special for everyone. Everyone should know how much they are loved and appreciated, theoretically all the time, but especially on days that are for celebrating you. I always hope to make my friends feel good about themselves, and I know mine did that for me. By the end of the evening (and several glasses of wine) I was feeling REALLY good and professing my undying love for everyone there, and some how magically was not hungover the next day (and still managed to cook an amazing Easter brunch). Really it was the perfect day. I'm a lucky girl these days.

Spring Break Woo!

As of yesterday I am done with classes for two weeks. Our Spring break is actually not that long, but I'm lucky/productive so for the two classes that I did have finals in, I'm done done done. Just a few more days at the clinic, which I don't really count because there's no homework. As of right now I'm free. Yesterday I completely vegetated and watched 3 1/2 movies (Sleeping Beauty, Kiki's Delivery Service, A Little Help, and started Enchanted April), caught up on two of my TV shows (New Girl and Awake), took a nap, and ate a ton of starch. I think I was burnt out, and in all honesty I don't have much to be burnt out about. But it's sunny outside after four straight days of rain, so I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. Time to get productive!

I have a huge to-do list and my goal is to get through everything. I think considering how crappy our internet has been mixed with two full weeks of spare time, I think it should not be a problem.

1. Plant veggies for the porch garden
2. Clean Bathroom sink
3. Organize the last two quarters of school papers
4. Unpack the last box in my room
5. Organize the stack of papers on my chair
6. Give Charlie a haircut
7. Balance checkbook
8. Return Anthro shirt
9. Organize the linen closet
10. Finish setting up the porch and living room.

Lots of things I hate to do and have put off, but give me lots of Futureheads (see video below) and 2 days and it'll get done.

As for fun stuff I do have a few of those things on my to-do list

11. Go to at least one movie by myself.
12. Make more coffee cake.
13. Use up Groupons (I have one for a massage and one for a tea place)
14. Visit SF with Charlie
15. Have Sam & Sophia over for grilled cheese
16. Do something fun with Megan
17. Write at least 5 blog entries

Is this a sign I am getting old?

Maybe it is, but I went to a barbeque on Saturday afternoon and came back exhausted. Maybe this is also because I ate a TON of food and have had naps every day for the last two weeks besides Saturday, but when I got home I just wanted to chill out on my bed with the animals. Snuggle parties such as this one are pretty common these days. As a side note I am so thrilled that Batman has finally wised up and joined the "we love Charlie" club. Since moving he has been extra snuggly, sleeps with us every night, and I've even caught him rubbing up against Charlie every once in awhile. It only took 11 months!

So getting back to the point, after coming home I wanted nothing more than to sit in my room with the animals and just screw around on Facebook and the internet in general. Sometimes it's nice to be calm. My evening consisted of Mahjong and coffee cake, and this mix that I'm about to share with you. I'll be honest, I didn't really make it. I have pre-made mixes of "happy" music. Or calm, or angry. Stuff that's good for cleaning, working out, cooking, etc. They generally have 100 songs on them and get shuffled. Usually the calm one gets played on planes, or on a Saturday night when I want to vegetate and act like a hermit. And if I must say, the first 15 songs on this shuffle were golden.

Classical Gas - Eric Clapton
Fairy Tale Song (Cade) - Milton Nascimento
Popstars - Rooney
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - The Postal Service
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him
I'll Follow the Sun - The Beatles
Coney Island - Death Cab For Cutie
She's A Rainbow - The Rolling Stones
Modern Girls and Old Fashioned Men - The Strokes
Black Mirror - Arcade Fire
Sky Stars Falling - Doves
Party Girl - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
the Wonderful Future - Our Lady Peace
He Doesnt Know Why - Fleet Foxes
Sense - Pete Yorn

I think many people have this feeling about me...

My roommate just shared this blog entry with me on Facebook and except entitled it "when my roommate is cooking."

-----

When my mom is cooking

I don’t help. I just sit at the table like:



-----

I told her, she knows if she waits around long enough I'll throw scraps at her. Or a cheeseburger, or cookies, or mac and cheese...you get the point.

I've realized...

- Things I must own to be able to survive in a less stressed world: straightening iron, hair dryer, an animal, a laptop, a nice pan, butter.
- I want Meryl Streep's house in It's Complicated.
- I really want to live without the internet or my cell phone for a week, but every time I pick a week there's something I need it for (professionally/school speaking).
- Fashion is my hobby.
- Every time I pay off my credit card Christmas happens.
- I'd like to live one more place before going back home.
- I get way too antsy if I stay in the same place for too long.
- I don't get too antsy if that place is NYC.
- Sometimes I feel like my belongings, including the pets, prevents me from doing things I want to do. Mainly picking up and moving anywhere in the world. But who wants to spend money on anything twice and my pets are my fur babies. So we're all in it for the long haul together.
- I am wildly nostalgic about small beautiful moments in life.
- All of the actors I have ever had intense crushes on are British. Maybe I should move to England.

Excuse the Hipster Moment

A friend of mine, Megan, has a tumblr called madventure. She posts pictures she finds around the internet and songs. I think of it as a scrapbook of what's going on in her mind. Lately I've started to save some of the pictures and I figured I'd share a few of them here plus some extras I've found online over the years. I guess this would be my scrapbook moment.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Yesterday I...
1. Got so much homework and practicum application stuff done. Look at me being all productive and a good student!
2. Slept for 12 hours. Clearly I needed it.
3. Finished watching all of the Doctor Who reboot episodes. What am I going to watch now?!
4. Mailed the mix I made for Jen. Hope she enjoys it!
5. Listened to The Drums' self titled album about 10 times. Obviously I'm in the middle of a music addiction. Need more new-romanticesque music ASAP.

Today I...
1. Had class and learned all about Psychodynamic theory. It is one of the rare classes that I do not feel like spacing out for 3/4 of it. I think other people are not fans, but I love Attachment Theory and all things related to it. So I am loving all the things I'm learning and doing the psych-nerd thing of applying to EVERYONE I know.
2. Had a lunch date with Sahar, a friend from school. Everything on the menu of the place looks amazing, I may have to go 3 more times and then write a review of it.
3. Sent my brother a really long message about what I learned in class (see #1.) and it made me really miss him. He graduates from college this year. It would be really cool if I could convince him and my mom to give him $$ to travel with for his graduation gift. Maybe then we could go somewhere awesome this summer like Australia or Europe or something.
4. Will probably take a nap. I don't know what I like more than snuggling with the farm. Maybe if I do that but get to eat a cupcake at the same time?
5. Started a new self-care regimen. Teeth whitening strips, fancy face washing/moisturizing nighttime routine, moisturizing socks, booked a future massage that involves wine AND cheesecake for a friend and I, etc. etc...I'm starting to sound like a 40-something single woman...I only have TWO cats. Not twenty.

Tomorrow I...
1. Have a job interview. I really hope I do well and get the job. Can't beat a great opportunity with the obvious perks of being employed.
2. May have to work at Anthro. Can't decide if I want to go in or not. Making money is good. Waking up at 5:30am to do so is not so good.
3. Will be stopping by Anthro regardless because we are having a super sale for employees only. I think some sale items may be calling my name.
4. Am also stopping by the soccer story with Mike. Must replace my soccer bag that Batman peed all over before Saturday's game.
5. Speaking of cupcakes, I'm planning on going to Sprinkles and buying myself a box. I am skinny and I work hard at life. I deserve a treat...or a box full of them sometimes.

Patience is not a Virture

I realize that my impatience is not so much a flaw, but a product of a philosophy of how I live my life. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd rather die happy knowing that I got a chance to do all of the things I ever wanted to do than be miserable in a constant state of waiting. This is why I spend my money, rush around, and push people to do things. I just want to fill what little time we have with good things.

Best things about 2011

Seems like everyone is doing one of those "best of" lists so I figured I'd throw one together too. This, though, is not a best of one kind of thing list but more of a best of my entire year list.

Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes - A mixture of Simon and Garfunkle, CSNY, and the Beach Boys, Fleet Foxes has become one of my favorite bands ever. I absolutely loved their first album and scooped up their second the moment it was released. As far as I'm concerned it's a neo-folk classic. The songs have amazing harmonies that all pull from influences of the 60s. A great chill-out album, if you're into music at all you will not be disappointed. I saw them live in the Spring and the music translated perfectly. These guys are extremely talented musicians and I can't wait to see what they do in the future.


Rolling in the Deep by Adele - I know every other person on Earth is talking about Adele right now. She has single handedly kept the music business alive this year and given people hope that there is real talent still out that to be appreciated by the masses. With a song like this one, though, how could you not love this girl? A powerful song about being scorned by an ex-lover, the driving beat and vocals are infectious. And she looks like something from another, more glamorous era! I love that she tries to look as fabulous as she sounds. I hope she wins every Grammy she's nominated for.


Midnight in Paris - Set in both modern day and 1920s Paris, this movie is part fantasy part coming of age film. The main character, a writer, has to chose between his current life and one which he has always dreamed of. A scenario sometimes we are confronted with, the character's choice is somewhat unexpected but still reflects who he is as a person and who he wants to be. Shot beautifully, this may be my favorite Woody Allen film (not that I've seen all of them, but I've definitely seen a ton). And Owen Wilson is the perfect replacement for Woody Allen starring in his own films. He plays the awkward, slightly neurotic character perfectly and he's much better looking too.

Once Upon a Time - If you are not watching this show yet, let me ask you a question. Is there something wrong with you? This show is amazing. While I do admit that it inherently appeals to girls more because of the fairy tale theme, it truly has something for everyone. Action, swords, spells, romance, drama, mystery, awesome costumes, death, you name it. Brought to you by some of the people who were behind LOST, this is LOST-light. Told with a series of present-day and flashback scenes, you only get part of the story and are constantly left wanting more without the confusing randomness of polar-bears on a tropical island. Definitely my new favorite TV show.

Quandry Wine by Trefethen - Not that I know a lot about wine (I've been to Napa a handful of times now, so I'm really only at the novice level. I can really only tell you what I like and don't like), but this wine is delicious. I'm not sure where you can buy this besides at the winery or the website, but for lovers of sweet, crisp, light white wine this is a must. Better than Reisling as it doesn't taste as sugary, it's my go-to when I want to crack open a bottle for dinner or just to relax. I've gotten several bottles so far and will probably buy more until it is sold out (it's a limited edition vintage). Then I'll go back to Trefethen to find a new favorite, as I've never had something I didn't like there.

Charlie - How could I not include this little guy on the list? Granted it took me months to house train him, he has chewed tons of my stuff including a brand new Blackberry, and made the cats lives hell for awhile, but he eventually won us all over. Loyal, loving, and attached at my hip he may be the only dog I will ever truly love. I call him cat dog because he loves to sleep and his temperament matches Lulu's; I think he thinks he's really a cat (even though the real cats know better). He's definitely an integral part of the farm and provides everyone with hours of entertainment and affection. We've had our bumps in the road, but at this point I'm not sure what I would do without him...maybe have cleaner carpets?

Friends - Ok, so I know I said this on Thanksgiving, but really, 2011 will go down as the year of the friends for me. Last winter I made my goal for the quarter to make some friends and be a more social person. I started going out to anything and everything the kids in my class put together and in the process met some awesome people and have found a ton of best friends. We do things like:


Go bowling wearing dumb tshirts.


Celebgrate my birthday 80s style.


Get wasted in Vegas 6 hours after we're done with finals.


Buy my brother shots for his 21st birthday.


Pretend we're an episode of the Jersey Shore.


Put up with each other when we're cranky, smelly, and gross after walking around during 90 degree weather. These two put up with me for a lot of other reasons too, they're definitely my favs.

2011 was pretty good, but I'm sure 2012 will be even better!

It's a love-hate relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I love the farm. Pets are the childless person's fur-babies; and I know many people here will agree with me that while pets do not truly replace the presence of a real baby in someone's life they come pretty damn close. My pets are such a huge highlight in my life. A living being who I can smother with love and cuddle with, get out all of my maternal instincts to take care of, and the best part is they all love me back. Last night I got home after being gone for 11 days and I was smothered with love back. Three animals following my every move; whining for more love when I was tired and just wanted to lie down. Lulu effectively tried to snuggle up my armpit, Charlie was never more than 2 inches from my feet, and Batman would have crawled inside the skin on my back if he could have. Yes, I am definitely loved.

But holy crap. Batman has either been really stressed out since I've been gone, upset that the litter box got dirty, or has a UTI-like problem because he has friggen peed on everything. Two cardboard boxes, on the carpet behind the TV stand, a paper bag, and my soccer bag (no words can describe the frustration and anger over this).

First thing this morning (after crashing for approximately 10 hours) I woke up and changed the litter box and cleaned up as much of his stank as possible. I need to go to the supermarket to buy some supplies for a remedy from this website:

Home Remedy for cat urine smell. This is a great recipe for removing cat urine odor from carpet. Start by blotting up as much of the urine as possible with old rags or paper towels. Next mix 3 parts water with one part vinegar and saturate the spot.Dry thoroughly using the same method mentioned above. Once dry, sprinkle the area with Baking Soda. Next mix ¾ cup of 3% hydrogen peroxide solution with one tsp. dish detergent and sprinkle over the Baking Soda. Try this first on a small inconspicuous area of the carpet to make sure the hydrogen peroxide won't discolor your carpet. Next, use your fingers or an old brush to work the Baking Soda in. I've used an old hairbrush with little bits of plastic over the tips with good results. Allow this to dry and vacuum it up. If there's still a slight odor when done, lather, rinse and repeat.

Hopefully this will work. I hate the smell of cat pee almost as much as I hate people who choose not to clean up after their cats and let their whole house be overrun by the smell. My poor roommate has had to deal with this by herself this whole time and she's not even that big of a cat person. But I will get rid of this smell. I will not be that person who lives in filth.

Ugh, why do they have to be so cute? At least they're all getting along now...

10 things about me you'll love...or watch me write a blog like a 16 year old

Inspired by a college friend and fellow blogger I have some "interesting" facts about me to post. I should call this, the classic "look at me look at me" blog writer post. Haha.

1. I have boxes of old letters and notes from just about all of my best friends and family members. I recently read somewhere (like Postsecret or something) that someone else saves them in case someone becomes famous, but I don't really think if any of us become famous people will care about the letters we used to send when we were 12. I think I'm just sentimental.
2. I look several years younger than I am (I am currently 26) and I have been using this to my advantage for years. That includes being mistaken for a high schooler twice to trick-or-treat during college and my first round of graduate school and getting my brother and I into under 16 only kid arcades.
3. When I'm really stressed out usually no one can tell because I hide it really well. Until my face completely breaks out like said 16 year old. I never had problems with acne in high school, so times like those drive me that much more crazy.
4. When I was 19 or 20 my ex-boyfriend told me one of the things he loved about me was that I was innocently optimistic despite being outwardly cynical. I always wanted everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy. That is still true, and it's one of the reasons that Nick loves me. I always dreamed of a life where cats and dogs got along in my house in perfect harmony. Almost there.
5. On the soccer field, when I see older women playing soccer sometimes I get frustrated because they are slow or not as skilled as some of the rest of us. But secretly I hope my knees last long enough that I can continue to play until that age.
6. It's really hard for me to be embarrassed about things that I like. I will readily admit in loving the Spice Girls, being a West Side Story addict (good musicals are awesome), the fact that I read daily recaps for General Hospital, or go weak at the knees for anything from the UK just because it's from there. I'm just a quirky silly person and I own it. Why should I be ashamed of something that makes me who I am?
7. My friend and I once played a game of 5 things about you that you'd say to a guy to make them intrigued in you. I think I came up with 5 interesting things (although I also have high self esteem and think most things including dumb ones about me are interesting). But why the hell does it matter? Shouldn't you just want to get to know me because I'm pretty friggen awesome? That being said, what you see is what you get with me. I live with my emotions and heart on my sleeve and refuse to be anything I'm not. Don't like it? Too bad. I've come too far to be anything besides me for anyone...in my past life I used to make bold statements like that in hopes it was true, but now I know it actually is. I guess that's one of the good things about being a grown up!
8. Things I am addicted to: anything from the 60s, shoes, cheese and bread for lunch, tea time, snuggly pets, the season of Fall, scarves and mittens, hugs, the perfect pillow, the internet, singing really loudly in my car regardless of who is in there with me, pumpkin flavored anything, music, my favorite foods of the moment, being barefoot outside, my cell phone, playing soccer, Christmastime, and water.
9. I hate to say this, but looking good really is it's own reward. Nothing ruins my day like a bad hair day, but when I make a cute outfit and feel like I actually achieved the look I was going for I feel like an Amazon woman capable of anything. I think I subscribe to the feminist view that Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, backwards, in heels. So accomplishing my goals and looking good wearing heels while doing it is important, especially should you run into someone from your past and want to make sure you're better off than them. (Superficial I know, but at least I'm honest!)
10. I talk a lot in person. I also obviously write a lot and when I write emails they're usually pages and pages. I think people think I love attention and the sound of my own voice. But I hate talking on the phone or talking to people online in a chat screen unless it's someone I haven't talked to in ages and have a lot to catch up on. I also crave comfortable silence in my relationships with people. If I can be silent during a car ride, walk outside, or in general communicate with you with just a look, I consider you a soul mate. By those standards, I think I can count those on one hand.

YouTubing for the Greater Good

Have I ever told you about what I'm interested in with regards to school and research? I know that in the past I have mentioned being a graduate student (and many of the fun/not-so fun things that that entails), but I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned the specifics. I'm thinking about this now because I'm sitting in the Washington D.C. convention center attending the American Psychological Association (APA) annual convention. I've been doing my best to attend relevant lectures and symposiums, network, and learn as much as I can both about the material itself and the professional world I've been cautiously trying to navigate.

This will probably make a lot of logical sense and therefore not be a surprise to you, but my research interests lie in social networking. What initially drew me to this was a complete accident. My brother was in a band when I was at my last graduate program and like most bands these days, post videos of their songs and performances on YouTube. I started clicking on links of suggested videos that websites always put in the sidebars and stumbled upon some videos of young women talking about their struggles with Eating Disorders. At the time I had been taking a seminar on EDs (with the thought that one day I would treat someone with an eating disorder and therefore it would be a good idea to take a class about them), so the videos intrigued me. I probably spend over an hour that day watching several 3-4 minute clips detailing the ups and downs of the recovery, relapse, and loss associated with the deadly disease. Having known people who have struggled with an Eating Disorder, it was hard but also moving to watch videos like the following one:



I wondered what prompted the women to post the videos. Was there a doctor out there who thought it would be a good creative therapy project? Was this in response to the Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia websites (essentially instructional and support websites for Anorexics and Bulimics looking for tips about how to sustain their disorder)? Was it completely spontaneous? In high school and college I blogged almost every day about my life and the blog took on a life of its own as I explored my world and struggled to deal with my own emotional demons. Were these videos the posters' own versions of that? I still don't know the answers to a lot of these questions. At the time, I wrote a very long term paper about it in hopes to understand the videos and how they could be helpful. And now I plan to turn that paper into my dissertation.

Since then I have conducted a study looking at self-disclosure on YouTube and am working on a case study on phototherapy with a woman with Bulimia and a research study about images on Facebook and body-image. Surprisingly, despite the massive attention social networking gets in popular media today, there is not a lot of research out there about it. When applying to graduate schools I had a hard time finding professors at APA Accredited programs who were studying the material. And now that I'm here, it seems that there are many graduate students who are actually the ones picking up the banner and leading the way with this research.

It's an exciting time for me to be able to meet some of my own peers here at APA because for 4 years now I have been sitting and waiting for the research to catch up. When I first wrote my paper for my Eating Disorders class not one article had been written about YouTube and it's emotional repercussions. There was one article about making friends on Facebook and how that would translate in real life and a handful on blogging and personal websites (which had been around for at least 10+ years already). And maybe there were two handfuls on chat rooms. All in all, I'd say less than 40 articles. That may seem like a lot, but when there are thousands (possibly millions) on depression, you realize how paltry that number is. Especially when regular newspaper articles about kids committing suicide prompt someone in the general public to do something before we professionals do. They can recognize the importance of social media when it comes to the LGBT community (It Gets Better Project) or Suicide Prevention (Post Secret's founder and his work with 1-800-Suicide and the mental health community as a whole) and it amazes me that we are not recognizing not only the potential usage of new technologies to help people, but what ramifications they might have as well.

I'll leave you with this video of a young woman who is courageously battling Borderline Personality Disorder. I watched this video a few months ago and was very moved by her honesty and candidness. The internet has so much potential, but can also do a lot of harm as well. I think the next generation of research psychologists recognize that, and I'm really excited to be part of that group.

Living without Him

Nick is away on a business trip this week. I always have mixed feelings about when he goes away. I miss him terribly, and as the Police song says, "The bed's too big without you." But I'm a bed hog, so considering I sleep diagonally and use up all the pillows when he's not there, I think subconsciously part of me likes that too.

And the house is so quiet. It's lonely without him. And yeah, when he's gone I get to watch stupid girly chic flicks, not cook and just eat whatever I feel like it, but my only conversation barks and meows at me. When we were living in New Jersey and he went away, I literally worked had sparse conversations when people were not busy testing participants, and came home and did nothing. One time Nick was gone for two weeks and I thought I would go crazy by the end of the trip if I didn't talk to someone other than Batman. I wonder how stay at home mom's do it.

I'm not going to lie, it's nice to have quiet time and to be on my own schedule. This week I had a midterm and a writing assignment due and I was able to get it done without having that pull to hang out with Nick instead. Another plus was being able to stay up as late as I wanted without bothering anyone. And it was nice to be done with my midterm and come home and sit in silence so my brain could recuperate. Sometimes when you live with person you start to feel like you see them all the time and need some space. I'm pretty codependent, but even I need to have alone time and retreat into my little bubble once in awhile.

...But then I come out of that bubble and I expect Nick to be around so we can watch movies and laugh about dumb stuff and have dinner together. When he's gone, it reminds me how much of a social person I am, and I miss him terribly. I guess it's like that old saying, "men, can't live with them, can't live without them." Right now, the emphasis is definitely on the can't live without them part.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

So besides being 2/3rds of the title of a rare Beatles record and a movie staring Sophia Loren, Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow is a quick survey I used to really like doing in previous blogs. Just a snippet of how things have been going lately.

Yesterday I...
1. Got the results back from one of my tests. I did a lot better than I was expecting.
2. Went vintage shopping at the Salvation Army with my friend Brandi, got a really great 70s shirt for $2.33.
3. Finished off the mac and cheese I made for Valentine's Day. That means today I have to cook, and I'm really in the mood to veg out in front of a TV with take out.
4. Watched 5 episodes of Glee. (Last week I became a Gleek.)
5. Woke up in a funk, but went to bed in a much better mood.

Today I...
1. Am really annoyed because Nick slept in (he's working from home), and Charlie rewarded him with a poop and pee on the floor downstairs.
2. Got a lot of little administrative things done like getting the tax paperwork ready for Nick to scan for our accountant, school soccer stuff, and some school work.
3. Will watch more Glee, because I got so much of that little stuff done.
4. Decided I am going to have an 80s themed birthday party for my birthday this year. People must dress up...my birthday is 1 1/2 months away.
5. Wish I had something to do that didn't involve being at home. I'm going a little stir crazy.

Tomorrow I...
1. Have absolutely nothing planned. Usually this means one of two things, lazy day or cleaning. Should probably clean.
2. Really hope Charlie does not go to the bathroom in the house again.
3. Really hope Batman isn't so whiny around Charlie. Let's take another step towards a happy harmonious family!
4. Will force myself to go to the gym.
5. Will do some reading for school and maybe color.


Yeah...a little morbid.

Your Top 5

I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine who was feeling a little down and needed to chat. We talked for an hour about life and growing up and how it takes effort to be happy, but once you are, it's so much easier than you ever thought possible. Having spent a good chunk of my life depressed, I often equate depression to a comforting warm blanket. It's always there, ready at a moment's notice to snuggle with as you lay in bed and do nothing with your life. Now that I have spent the past few years being happy I can now say that happiness (and those know how much I do not like the heat will find this ironic) is like the sunshine. It is effortlessly warm and awakens energy you didn't know you had. But usually you're so busy lying in bed to open the door and go outside to let it into your life.

When I got off the phone I couldn't help but smile. Nick is away on a business trip this week and I guess when I'm so busy working, doing homework, and generally running around like a crazy person, sometimes I forget how lonely it is to be home alone with just the cats. I needed to talk to her a lot more than I think either of us realized.

Hot off my puppies and rainbows, I browsed through some wedding pictures (the only time we have all ever been in one place together) to see if I could find one with just me and my three best friends in it and it made me start thinking of how lucky I am to have such good friends. It made me think of my earlier conversation on the phone, and the process of learning to love one's self and an exercise my grandmother's therapist made her do every day when she was grieving the eventual loss of her husband to cancer. At the end of every day, write down 5 things you're thankful for. I'm pretty sure Oprah came up with that, it seems like something she'd do. But I think in terms of loving oneself, which is something that most if not all people struggle with at some point in their lives, it's a good practice.

Loving oneself does not happen over night. It takes years. You have to force yourself to look at the good, forget about the bad, accept love from those around you, and it takes a lot of effort. Sometimes you are lucky enough to do it on your own, and sometimes it takes the help of other good and amazing people in your life. The cognitive behavioral psychologist in me was thinking it would be a really good practice to write down five different things you love about yourself every night. In doing so, it'll force you to look at the good in you and the great things you have in your life. Maybe, eventually, you'll realize how many there things there are that are wonderful and that you deserve every one of them.

For today, here are my five:

1. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Nothing makes me happier than causing a smile on other people's faces.

2. I am a firecracker. Once you get me started there's no stopping me. Jokes, curses, loyalty, cooking. It doesn't matter. I love to be riled up, run around and be crazy, and have fun.

3. I am a great hugger. When you are down in the dumps, I am the person to come to for a hug. I won't let you go until you're better. And I'm so incredibly lucky that I have a man who I love, who loves hugs (and to hug me) just as much as I do.

4. Even if I do not get straight A's, I am smart and not a failure. As a friend once said to me, "I know that when you set your mind to doing something. It will get done, no matter how small, or how big." I might complain, be stressed out, and cry along the way. But I know, with my intelligence, skill, and drive if I want something bad enough, I will make it happen. As another old friend once said, "I know you, no matter what your mind may think at any given point, you've never let anything stand in your way. You may actually be one of the most determined people I know and it is one of the things I admire you most for." It took me a really long time to realize that and I still struggle with it. I have high expectations of myself that I do not always meet. I just need to remember the end goal, and that nothing stands in the way of it and me. I guess I just needed to remind myself this.

5. Considering I've been really lucky to talk to all three of my best friends in some fashion over the last two days I am really happy right now. We live in four different places, in three different time zones, and all have insane schedules. I'm lucky if I can do more than a quick email with any of them every other week. I envy women who can emulate the Sex and the City ladies, having brunch with three girlfriends every Sunday. But I wouldn't trade my best friends for anything. These women make me a better person. When I need to be selfish and vent, they listen even when they think I'm annoying. They know how to tell me the truth and they know how to take it as well. Best of all, they're all the kinds of friends who truly know and accept me, flaws and all. And I couldn't love these girls anymore if I tried.