Monday, September 20, 2010

You haven't seen spiders until you've come to California

Someone said the title of that post to my husband before we moved. I'm not sure why, maybe Nick was telling them about my intense fear of them. All sizes from small to big, I am terrified of. And I am even more scared that our cats will chase and eat them and some out be bitten and have a horrible allergic reaction to them...I have problems.

Since we've moved here on three separate occasions I've seen HUGE spiders (about 2 inches big with thick legs and spotted bodies) crawling around and always in the most inopportune places. On a lotion bottle I was unpacking the first day we got here. Climbing up the drain into the sink in the bathroom. In the bathtub when I'm naked and about to get in. Especially after that last time, Nick now makes fun of me non-stop. Well, he already has, I guess I just keep giving him good ammo.

For example, before we got our second cat, I was getting ready for work and as usual Batman (our tuxedo tabby) was following me around in the apartment. Suddenly he stops, crouches low to the ground, and his tail starts to twitch. I ask him what's the matter and he chirps a bit, gaze fixed at a point on the wall. I look and realize there is the biggest spider I've ever seen in my life crawling on the wall.

Suddenly, Batman strikes! He shakes his cute little butt the way cats do when they're about to pounce and he starts trying to climb up the wall to get to his prey (standing on the handle of a basket, climbing up a set of drawers like a tree trunk, etc.). As usual my motherly instinct and irrational fear kicks in and I immediately think the spider is going to bite him (no where does it dawn on me that he routinely hunts bugs and eats them and nothing has ever happened). So I think of the only way I feel safe killing the thing. I pick a magazine I don't mind losing (Rolling Stone with the Jonas brothers on the cover) and hurl it at the wall. Effectively killing and smushing spider guts all over the wall, legs twitching and everything.

Now I'm grossed out. I've got the heebee jeebees and kind of want to throw up too, but Batman is still trying to get at the carcaus on the wall. So I decide to tape a wad of tissues on there and let Nick deal with it when he comes home...9 1/2 hours later.

The hunter himself.

So maybe I deserved to be made fun of for that one. But if that's the case then Nick can be made fun of for this next one.

Nick is a beer drinker, and as part of our budgeting each week, every other week we are each allowed to buy one kind of alcohol for ourselves. Last weekend Nick opted for a 6 pack and since the beer was really good (a Fall IPA), he drank 3 bottles in the course of 2 hours and proceeded to get a little drunk. When the time came for us to watch a movie on Netflix I called him in from the office and I hear him go, "Holy shit!" I ask him what's going on, and he said, "spider, stay in the bedroom." Like the little girl I am I cower under the covers thinking that that has to be the thing that will keep me safe from the spider in the next room. And next thing I hear is a crash, crash, and ow.

Moral of the story: don't stand on a swivel chair when you are drunk trying to kill a spider on the ceiling. And if you must protect your lady-fair from the killer spider, then use one of these:

It sends a small electric shock to the bug either stunning or killing it with a little tap. All guys love them...this could be a very good Christmas present...


Lisa in Oz said...

LOL you should come to Australia - they're the size of your hand, no lie :)

Young, Broke, and Married said...

NoNoNoNoNoNoNo. This almost just gave me a panic attack, just at the idea of it. :/

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